Giving and Receiving Support as a Giver
Leaders, you deserve support too - just as much as you give
Do you go out of your way to ensure anyone in your presence, on your team, in your restaurant, in your community feels supported and safe to come to you?
Do you feel deep fulfillment by helping others and being in service to them?
Do you feel uncomfortable asking for support when you need it most?
Do you tell yourself that you don’t need it?
Is it difficult for you to receive support?
Do these questions sound all too familiar to you?
You likely identify as a giver too. What a beautiful thing and gift you have to literally give to your team, community and world. Truly, anyone that crosses your path feels your presence, is seen and supported around you.
Here is the caveat - as a giver - you too deserve all the support that you need to feel seen, held and appreciated. Just as much as you give to others. And as a leader, it’s crucial for you to learn to acknowledge the giver that you confidently are and how to accept support as well.
It’s uncomfortable and it’s liberating. I promise!
What does accepting support even mean? It’s not just allowing someone to get you a glass of water or switching shifts with you so you can get some extra time for you prior or after your shift. Accepting support is learning how to ask for it with detail and intention and then allowing your community, colleagues, friends and family to show up as they are and deliver. Not in the way you are expecting it to be or how you would do it.
A little story telling to give an example here that may resonate with you.
My friend was visiting from the middle east and she heard my cry to help - I was malnourished and I really needed someone to keep me company, talk and feed me. She understood the task and my gosh she showed up! She picked up food from my favorite neighborhood Lebanese restaurant and she picked out things that she knew would be easy for me to snack on and would keep in my fridge for a few days. When we walked into my apartment, she put the bags down and wanted to get to work : “How can I help? How can I take something off your plate so you don’t have to work so hard right now?” she asked. She offered to empty my dishwasher, tidy up my apt, get the plates and silverware to enjoy the delicious spread. My answer to all was: “no, it’s ok. It helps me feel productive. Your company alone is helpful.” I could tell she was disappointed because she knew that deep in my bones, I had nothing left in me but I didn’t want to “burden” her with the mundane tasks of emptying the dishwasher.
I wouldn’t even let her put the beautiful flowers she got to brighten up my apartment in a vase! This is to what extent I still felt like I wouldn’t ask for support even though I need it the most in my life right now. I wanted to show her that I was “ok and strong” even though I'm not. I’m human. I’m a leader that is grieving and I need help.
It wasn’t until we were sitting on the floor about to have tea that I was full listening to her deep desire to show up for me. I was about to pour the tea into the cups when she took control and said: “Kim, please let me do this for you.” I paused, I apologized and I let her. I realized at that moment that I had been denying her the gift of giving, that I was denying myself the gift of her support that I was needing so profoundly. She expressed that I had to surrender because my entire community just wanted to support, hold and care for me but I was not able to receive it fully. And by blocking them from doing so, I’m breaking the bridge of connection, love and acceptance of everything that I actually need and want. And, I was doing this VERY unconsciously, because to no surprise, I’m surrounded by givers too.
I share this personal story in hopes that you too may relate to moments like this through your life experience. I want to help you learn how to ask for support and openly receive when it shows up for you.
Each step has its own opportunities and moments of growth - which means you will feel uncomfortable and that’s exactly where you want to be. The discomfort is your proof that you are learning and growing.
Asking for support - where do I even start you ask?
It’s a simple answer with complex layers.
First things first, acknowledge that asking for support is a strength and NOT a weakness.
Next up, grab a piece of paper or the notes in your phone to write some things down while you answer these 3 questions with as much detail as possible.
Where am I feeling overwhelmed and what will help me feel like my plate is less full?
Who do I trust with asking for this type of help?
I encourage you to break this down into each action that will help you and feel supported. Not everyone is the best person to ask for each need. Get specific as it will be easier to then put together the ask for each person.
How am I going to ask each person for support? Is it via call, text, in person, voice memo, etc…
You now have a game plan and full structure of what you need and who you trust to show up for you. The hardest part is asking and waiting for their reply.
Reach out to your community with your requests and remember the following:
Give detail and specifics.
Allow them to respond.
If some of the tasks require you to have an answer quickly, let them know that.
This will help you then see if someone else can show up or re-arrange your capacity to complete it yourself.
Once you’ve gotten a reply, let your colleagues, team and community show up and support you in the best way that they can. Don’t expect things to be a certain way or the way YOU would do it. That will lead you to want to take control back or be disappointed. Each one of us has our unique way and gifts. By taking the uncomfortable step of asking for help, you have opened the door for abundance so don’t get in the way!
A few things to remember to openly receive support:
It’s ok to feel uncomfortable and expressing it
Give gratitude to the givers supporting you
Don’t feel the need to over thank someone, one time is enough. You DESERVE to be supported.
Give yourself some processing time on what it feels like in your body and mind to receive from your community. I suggest journaling whether that be written or by voice.
Observe how this action of receiving brightens up the givers day
We are all reflecting back to each other. We are all each other's mirrors. I hope it turns into no surprise that your colleagues, partners, friends, family - anyone that makes up your community - is a giver as well. And that is a beautiful realization that I hope will continue to encourage you to practice receiving support as you need, whenever it comes up.