I’ve been here before. Well sort of. This time around is different. My life will never be the same.
In the past, I used my leadership role as my crutch. I used it to pretend my role and presence in the business was so important that I didn’t really allow myself to feel the pain and suffering I truly had.
I remember when I lost both of my grandmothers, I took a couple of days off and then went back into service. In the moments that I felt the overwhelm of sadness and emptiness, I would step off the floor to call my mother. She helped me release the tears so I could go back to numbing it all in front of guests, my colleagues and work my 10-12 hour shift.
The truth this - this is not kind nor is it human. In retrospect, this process was one of the most hurtful things I could’ve done for myself but I didn’t know any better at the time. I truly thought my position was that important and vital to the operation that I could not miss another moment to grieve. I also didn’t want to burden my team to pick up my slack.
Writing this even makes me feel silly and also shows how much we care and are givers in the hospitality industry.
Fast forward many moons later, I’m back in this space today but this time around it’s very different.
I very unexpectedly and suddenly lost my father recently. It has shocked my system and world in a way that I am unable to understand and put into words in this moment. I know it will take me a while to comprehend and find the words to express what I am navigating.
But here is what I do know of what I learnt this time around and strongly feel the desire to share this experience so hopefully it will help guide others.
Grieving is human and we MUST allow ourselves the time and space to do so, whenever it comes up.
Vulnerability is front and center here. Of course, we stick to boundaries but first and foremost, you have to admit and express that you are sitting in a very raw and soft space.
Sharing with your community the truth of what you are navigating is important during this time.
It does not make you a less strong or a less deserving leader if you ask for time off, take a half day, or go for a walk to call someone to help you cry and feel. Releasing and letting the emotion run through is crucial. If not, it builds up an anxiety from within that is so much more painful and can be debilitating. If you do not let it move through you, you may also turn very reactive and that is not kind to yourself or your team.
The more you try to numb, push down and not feel these intense and overwhelming emotions, the harder it is going to be for you to dance through the rest of your day.
Take any of these steps is you showing up for yourself first.
Go slow. Make plans and then cancel them if you don’t have the energy. It’s ok, your community will understand.
Write, create, express, move, run - do something or many things to help you move the emotions through you.
Nourish yourself - hydrate, eat, sleep, rest. All of these are your life line.
Hold yourself, ask for hugs, call a friend or colleague.
Ask for support - you may not know what you need in each moment but when it does come up and you need someone to step in, ask for what you need. I assure you that your community and team really wants to help you and be there for you - the same way that you hold space for them.
Grief is really powerful and each one of us will go through all different moments, shapes and forms of grief within our lifetime and careers. What’s important is to honor it - whether you are the one grieving or your colleague is.